When I discovered skateboarding as a kid it gave me a culture, a style, a lingo to speak, friends and a brotherhood. More than that, it gave me a passion. This passion has ebbed and flowed like the high and low tides of the ocean, but has always remained an undercurrent in my life. It was simply a way to express myself in my youth and became the way I expressed my manhood through competition and eventually my career. More than all of this, it was my identity. When my body finally gave out in my mid thirties and I had to retire and be relegated to one of the rolling masses - I was not ready to lose what I saw as my identity. It was the well from which I had drawn my self-esteem. Now what was I? Just an old beat up dude that rode a skateboard half as well as I used to? What would everyone say about me? "There goes Ryan, I thought that guy used to be good, what happened to him?" I couldn't bear the thought so I left skateboarding behind to pursue something else. That something became running and I became fairly proficient at it. I love running, but it to became my identity and the vehicle for my self-esteem. I succeeded only in transferring my need to anchor my self worth as what I could accomplish, not in who I was.
During this time I had poured myself into a career as a chef. Well not really a chef although I had gone to school and obtained my Red Seal certification. I took a job as a food service manager for a large retirement corporation. I worked hard, very hard. I once worked more than 30 hours straight to get my kitchen ready for a corporate inspection. I climbed up through the ranks and was poised to become the first regional manager for the company. All the while I was dying inside. I was using sleeping pills, smoking large amounts of marijuana, drinking and suffering from severe anxiety attacks. I had a long commute from Burlington to Toronto each day and I began to use this time more wisely. I had discovered a catalog of lecture series on every topic imaginable. I decided to start with philosophy. I knew nothing about philosophy, but I knew it was centered around deep thought and new ideas. I needed both of these intensely. It was through the study of philosophy that I began to consider my own philosophy and through this consideration held up a mirror to my own life. What I saw shook me to my core. I had a well paying career, but in the process I had sold myself out to the dollar. If the young, creative skateboarder from my youth met the corporate me, he would hate me. He would despise everything I was and everything I believed in. So I quit. Handing in my notice, with no real plan and only a few months worth of savings.
As it stands right now, I have once again become caught in the trappings of a career move for money. At the very least this time I enjoy my work and the time shared with like-minded people. That being said, I find myself trading in my time for an extra dollar or two. Again I am in deep contemplation of where I want my life to go.
Enter in skateboarding and philosophy... again.
I recently built cruiser skateboards for both my wife and I. Simple boards. The kind built for long, smooth cruising, not tricks. As I took the first few pushes on this little wooden time machine it all came washing back over me like the tide coming in. Those days of my youth when skateboarding was about rolling through life without a plan, without a to-do list, without a care in the fucking world. When happiness reigned as king and responsibility was a simple peasant. It's in this realm that philosophy blooms. It provides time to think and and clear ones mind. What do I want my life to be? What is my purpose?
It is now I realize the transient nature of self. Who I am today will not be who I am tomorrow. We are in a constant state of change, but my one common thread has been a plank of wood on four wheels. The skateboard will always be a symbol of freedom and it has now become the catalyst to once again think deeply about life.
I'm still running and cycling, as well as using the time spent in these activities to think deeply. But it is through the lense of skateboarding that I now view my core beliefs again. We are on a single journey through our lifetime and have only one chance to live it to the fullest. I will share with you my thoughts on how I will do this and hopefully inspire you to do the same.
Ryan
The Skateboard Philosopher
No comments:
Post a Comment